I’m tired…but God isn’t.

2020 has aged me. Although I am someone who fights hard for autonomy, the past seven months have exposed the delusions of my self-sufficiency. 2020 has shaken my idols of comfort and control, and my own throne too. There are days where I have dissolved into a child-like mess, dramatically begging Simba (my Maltese Shitzu) to live forever and to never leave me behind…

Although overcoming COVID-19 seemed promising in Australia, the reality of a second wave has been discouraging to say the least. Just yesterday, borders closed, church openings were postponed, and family and friends scrambled to get tested. After months of Zoom fatigue, isolation and cancellations, we’re back at square one…only this time, I’m exhausted, and I’m learning (again) that it’s ok to feel this way.

As a created being, I have been designed with limits. I am needy and dependent—my every breath is at the mercy of my Creator. I wasn’t designed to carry the burden of a global pandemic on my bony, little shoulders. You weren’t either. Instead, our limitations exist to make us “lift our eyes” to the One who can—our Helper and Maker who does not slumber nor sleep (Psalm 121:1-4).

Unlike human governments that are finite and fallible, we belong to an all-knowing God who is incapable of errors in judgment.

Unlike our loved ones who are vulnerable to sickness, we belong to the risen One who has conquered the grave.

Unlike me, my God isn’t frustrated or flustered by change, for he knows all things, and in Him, all things hold together (Colossians 1:17).

Currently, leadership podcasts are telling me to be a “non-anxious presence” for people under my care. Although this is well-intentioned, many of these messages have left me feeling guilty for my humanity and crushed by unrealistic expectations. I have had to unplug from these messages and to remind myself that God’s power is made perfect in human weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). It’s ok to feel tired, because I am not God.

2020 is teaching me to give up my fight for autonomy, so that I can fully trust in a God who is capable of carrying the weight of the world in the palm of his hand. His throne endures forever. Instead of despising the limitations that have been weaved into humanity, I want to learn to humble myself before the throne of sufficient grace. As I brace myself for a second wave, I want to acknowledge God’s capacity to be my unshakeable refuge.

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge”. – Psalm 62:8