Do your friends know you, really?

What do you think makes a good friendship?

Someone you can have a good time with? Someone you’ve known for a long period of time? Someone who you ‘click’ with effortlessly? While these are all good things that can bring people together, the last six months has taught me that friendships flourish and deepen when you allow yourself to be known. To love is to be vulnerable.

Who knows you?

Who knows what you really love, and what you really hate? Who knows what makes you tick, your motivations for doing what you do, and the passions that drive your daily decisions? Who knows the parts of you that you try to hide behind make-up, filters, a big laugh or a polite facade?

Who knows you, really?

These days, we are experts at texting, but come time to gather for a meal, we sit together in silence, blaming it on our introversion or tiredness. We go to social gatherings, and are unable to have a good time unless our self-consciousness is diminished by substances and alcohol. We crave deep friendships and meaningful conversations, but we’re also terrified of being judged and letting our guards down.

I’ve been there. Have you?

I think we need to admit the impact that technology and social media is having on our generation. How can we be so connected, and yet so lonely?

Perhaps, our self consciousness makes us retreat into social media, because it gives us the power to filter, control and manipulate our identities?

Perhaps, deep down we know that people only ‘follow’ or ‘like’ us because we’re the ones applying the filters and pulling all the strings?

Perhaps our ability to filter what we see on our already manipulated newsfeeds, are turning us into a generation of self-centred consumers, unable to imagine the ‘newsfeed’ of another, and to empathise with their world views?

Perhaps in our busy lives, the instant gratification that we can get from texting, scrolling, tagging and posting is robbing us of the opportunity to engage with real people, in the real world?

Is there a problem if our online persona fails to match up to who we are in real life?

Let me introduce you to Sally.

You may not have met her, because she’s a relatively new friend. She wasn’t around when I graduated from university, got baptised, or married my best friend. She missed many of my life’s milestones, and yet I believe she knows me better than some people i’ve known for decades.

I met her 4 years ago at my workplace, and from the get-go, she confessed to me that she had ‘no idea about social media’. Growing up without smart phones, Sally doesn’t see the need to document her life online and this frees her up to be a great friend who is always present. 

Like most modern day women, Sally is busy. She’s a mother of 3, a wife, a graphic designer, a small business owner, and an active member of her local church, and yet when i’m with her, time seems to slow down. Our conversations are effortless, truthful, and free from the jarring disturbances of mobile phones and unread messages. I know that when she asks me ‘how are you?’ she genuinely has the time to hear my answer.

Like all friendships we started off with small and shallow talk, but I remember the car ride that changed everything. Nine months ago, she asked me how I was really going. It had been so long since someone asked me that question in person, and I took the opportunity to give her an honest answer. She proved herself trustworthy as she received my tears and concerns without judgment. From that moment on, our friendship accelerated as we allowed ourselves to be truly known by one another.

Like most of my colleagues, Sally has always known me as the ‘bubbly’ and ‘confident’ one. I’m the one who laughs loud and cracks all the jokes. I know how to have a good time with a lot of people, but I’ve always known that true friendship is born in adversity. Sally is the rare type of friend who wants to stick around during bad times:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. – Proverbs 17:17

Sally is also committed to truth. Not only does she receive my real-talk without judgment, she allows herself to be truly known. She’s quick to admit weakness and to resonate with my struggles. I don’t sense a power imbalance in our friendship, because she’s down to earth and quick to say “me too”. When she doesn’t get it, she points me back to the One who understands all. Sally may not be the most eloquent person, but she always prays the words that are pressing on my heart. Proof that even in her silence, she has been listening.

While I’m thankful that technology enables me to keep up with Sally over texts and phone calls, I appreciate that whenever I’m in Sydney, she frees up her calendar to see me in person. Call me old fashioned, but i’ll always be a face-to-face girl at heart. I don’t want to watch your ‘stories’ that will expire in 24 hours, I want to hear them in real-life. Sure, real-life can be slower and messier. It comes with awkward silences and moments of boredom. Real-life necessitates appropriate eye contact, tone and body language. It demands empathy, patience and understanding. Real-life can be uncomfortable but at least what we experience, is real. 

While social media can help us to stay connected, the reality is that friendships cannot flourish behind screens and facades. Our hearts cry out to be known and loved because we were created for community. We were created to reflect a personal Creator, who took the initiative to come into our world to make himself known (John 1:18). The incarnation was an act of love, as Jesus left the comforts of heaven, to come into our mess. Jesus is the high priest, who in personal suffering can sympathise with our pain. At the cross, Jesus was fully exposed to show us what perfect friendship looks like in sacrificial vulnerability:

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. – John 15:13

Friends like Sally have shown me that it’s not enough to be a friendly person, I have to be a friend. I can’t be the proud friend who puts on a strong front and only looks after others, nor can I be selfish and only receive. If I want to be a loving friend, I have to be present, open, honest and vulnerable.

If to love is to be vulnerable, then who knows you, really? 

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash