What if I Don’t Believe?

Do you ever read certain parts of the Bible and think, ‘get outta here!’? Stories like John 11, where Jesus raises his friend, Lazarus, from the dead?

Lazarus has been dead for four days and the tomb stinks of rotten flesh. Jesus rocks up, and claims to be “the resurrection and the life…and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.” He then asks Lazarus’ sister, Martha, “do you believe this?” and she replies, “Yes Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God.” Jesus then walks into the tomb and by the power of his word, raises Lazarus from the dead.

I admire Martha’s faith. If Jesus had asked me “do you believe this?” I would have laughed in his face. I have been following Jesus for ten years, and I have to admit that I still face his words with a dose of scepticism. My questions about Christianity may have evolved with time, but time doesn’t eliminate doubt. Can I trust Jesus by his word? Does he REALLY love me? Is his plan REALLY the best plan? Is he REALLY present? 

Faith is scary because I have to relinquish control. Faith demands humility. Trusting Jesus is not always comfortable or convenient, because so often, I want to make sense of God in my way, and in my timing. So how can we grow in faith? Sometimes, a simple, but genuine prayer is where it all starts: “Lord, help me believe”. After all, isn’t our ability to have faith, a gift from God? 

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. – Ephesians 2:8-9

On the days when your faith feels small, take comfort in the gospel of grace, which frees us from the shackles of performance. In the words of Tim Keller: “It is not the strength of your faith but the object of your faith that actually saves you.” My faith may waiver with the insecurity of my emotions, but I can have confidence because my faith is in the One who never wavered and went to the cross for my doubt and disbelief.

I’d like to think of myself as that wise Christian blogger who has Jesus in a bag, but if you were to ever read my journal entries, you would discover more questions than nuggets of wisdom. If I was to die today, my journal’s legacy would be the woman of little faith, who by God’s grace, clung onto the One who is always faithful.

Sure I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life. I believe he is the Son of God who died for my sins, and rose again to conquer death. I believe that the church is a kingdom of imperfect people who have been saved into the presence of a good and loving King. I believe God is still good in suffering, and that death is not the end. I believe in eternal life. 

I didn’t come to believe these things in a day. For a decade I’ve actively wrestled with the Bible, confessed my doubts, and asked for the ability and desire to believe. 

Today, Jesus may be asking you “do you believe?” Can I encourage you to not fake a response? Perhaps like me, your prayer needs to be: “Lord, help me believe.”