5 Ways to Create Safe Space For Real Talk
“Why did you move to Brisbane?”
“My husband and I started a church. I’m a pastor’s wife.”
I’m a pastor’s wife. Four words that have the power to bring any conversation to an awkward stop. I’ll admit it. Christian leaders can be intimidating. I’m a champion of vulnerability and yet the church can be one of the hardest places to be open, honest and vulnerable. I remember the days when I went to church and I found myself plagued by anxious thoughts:
“Is my skirt too short? Are Christians seriously this happy all the time? I better not burden people with my problems. Are people going to rebuke me because I missed Bible study this week? I really hope nobody saw the photos I was tagged in over the weekend…”
Once I served a priest at a dental clinic, and I greeted him by his first name, only to be sternly corrected:
“That’s FATHER Peter for you!”
As someone who wasn’t religious at the time, I was offended and confused. Why did I have to call this stranger my dad?
I’ll admit that the church isn’t always a safe space for real talk. We can be so quick to judge people’s failures, silence people’s questions, and make demands for undue respect. Now that I’m a pastor’s wife, I have earnestly asked God to teach me how to lead our church with love and wisdom.
Here are five lessons that I’ve had to learn:
1. I need to teach in love.
“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” – 1 Corinthians 13:1-2
In the words of Paul Tripp, theology without love is bad theology. Sharing knowledge without love is like a clanging cymbal – it’s rude and annoying! In teaching contexts, I have to constantly check myself: do I love to teach, more than I love the people who I’m teaching? Am I sharing truths in love and for the benefit of the hearer?
Over the years when I have opened up about my struggle with mental health, I have received a mix of responses from well-meaning friends. “That sounds so tough. How can I pray for you?” has been a response that I’ve really appreciated. I immediately felt safe to share more honestly and to divulge more details.
In comparison,“God is ALWAYS good! How can you be more thankful in your suffering?” is an unhelpful response. Although this is theologically true, my faith does not make me immune to pain and sadness. On top of everything that I was going through, and in spite of the courage it took for me to be vulnerable, I felt rebuked for having a spiritual problem without any source of hope or comfort. Sometimes, truth can wait.
How different would our words and attitudes be if we genuinely loved the people we taught?
2. I need to share the gospel with my words and life.
Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well. – 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8
I love this picture of the church. The Apostle Paul loves the Thessalonian church as though it was his own family. He not only shares the gospel with them, he also shares his life! My role as the pastor’s wife is so much more than telling people the gospel, I need to show people the gospel. I need to welcome people into my private life and thoughts. How else will they know that I “walk the talk”?
Back in Sydney, I was mentored by E, an older woman who lived only a street away from me. While we spent a lot of time in the Bible, what impacted me the most was her gift of hospitality. Despite being a tomboy who hated cooking, E was a woman who was so generous with her home. By inviting me into her life, I got to see how a mature Christian woman loved Jesus with the decisions she made around her career, marriage, family, money and church life.
In love, E didn’t just tell me to “trust God”, she showed me. I grieved and prayed with her in her struggles to conceive, and celebrated with her when her son was born. To this day I’m willing to share my intimate thoughts with her, because I know that E preaches the gospel with her words AND life.
3. I need to admit my need for Jesus.
“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.” – 1 Timothy 1:15-16
Can you believe that the church planter who wrote the majority of the New Testament considers himself the ‘worst of sinners’? This isn’t a humble brag. Paul shows us that a fruit of spiritual maturity is our growing awareness of our need for Jesus. Despite all of Paul’s good works, he genuinely believes that it’s all worthless before the holiness of God.
When I was still exploring Christianity, I met up with Y who modelled this to me. She admitted her own weaknesses, and showed me that the Christian life is one of ongoing repentance. Her honesty was so refreshing and it made me fall in love with Jesus and want to follow him too.
If the church is meant to welcome ‘the worst of sinners’, and if there is truly ‘no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus’ (Romans 8:1) why are church communities perceived as such exclusive and condemning spaces? Why are certain sins more taboo than others or perceived as unforgivable?
How different would our words and attitudes be if we were humble enough to admit our need for Jesus?
4. I need to be trustworthy.
I’ve identified three things in my life that can lead to a betrayal of trust. Do you identify with any of these?
1. Am I a gossip?
Gossip has the power to betray confidence and trust (Proverbs 11:13), stir up conflict and separate close friends (Proverbs 16:28). Am I prone to gossip? Will I fight to guard the information that is shared with me?
2. Do I answer before listening?
‘To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.’ – Proverbs 18:13
Not listening is a betrayal of trust because it shows that someone’s thoughts and feelings are not worthy my time. Often my pride wants to assume that I know what’s best for someone before I even hear them out. Do people trust that I am listening to their questions, thoughts and feelings?
3. Am I quick to judge?
‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.’ – Luke 6:37
It’s so easy to judge people who struggle in ways that we don’t. When we do this, we are essentially saying “sure I’m a sinner, but I’m NOT as bad as this one!” When we judge, we forget that the gospel of grace puts everyone on a level playing field – we all have equal access to the mercies of God. Nobody wants to share their heart with a judgemental and critical person.
5. I need to empathise.
Empathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone’s shoes”. The beauty of God’s church is that it is a diverse community of people, united around Jesus. And yet for diversity to work, we need to be committed to understanding one another’s contexts and world views.
Our life experience is limited, and we won’t always relate to everyone. Instead of dismissing the thoughts and questions of people who are different to us, we can respond in ways that promote understanding:
- “I don’t fully understand what you’re going through, but it sounds tough. Are you comfortable to share with me how that feels?”
- “I can’t imagine how tough this is for you, how can I pray for you?”
- That is an interesting question! Why do you ask that?
In a multicultural church, I meet people of all different ages, life-stages and ethnicities. While I won’t relate to everyone, and disagreements can occur, I’m thankful for the opportunity that I get to witness God at work in different contexts. On the days when I feel limited in my capacity to understand, I know that in prayer, I can rely on the One who understands all.
How different would church communities be if we prayerfully tried to empathise with people who are different to us?
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